


Appassionata

by orphan_account



Category: The Avengers (2012), Thor (2011)
Genre: C+ parenting, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Fandral is a douche, Internalized Homophobia, Internalized Sexism, M/M, S&M, assholes, assholes everywhere, bucket for Loki's creys, except pepper because she's flawless, mentions of past sexual abuse, no seriously, weird interspecies kinky sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-09-19
Updated: 2012-10-27
Packaged: 2017-11-14 13:58:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/515952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Loki falls directly to earth at the end of <em>Thor</em> and joins the Avengers, and everything is going great. Until his brother shows up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

“ _I’m not your brother, I never was!”_

_“I only ever wanted to be your equal!”_

_“No, Loki.”_

_~*~_

The Void is not at all what Loki imagined it would be. It isn’t cold, isn’t black and endless nor is it devoid of sound. The Void is full of maddening golden light, full of warmth and laughter. _Thor’s laughter_ iswhat his mind tells him as he falls. _Even in death you cannot escape him._ Perhaps he is dead. Perhaps the fall from the bifrost has killed him and his eternal punishment is to fall forever amongst reminders of his brother and family and all that he has lost. To fall forever with the reminder that no one can or would save him. _How funny, that Odin did not secure you a place in Valhalla or any honorable hall. Although, you never were a proper warrior in his eyes, were you? Can’t have you embarrassing him even in the afterlife now can we?_ He tries to keep such bitter thought out of his head. He tries to remember the good times, since he is apparently doomed to this. If he must relive moments of his life he may as well remember all of the nice moments, for there are many.

~*~

 _He is eight centuries old when his father brings him a present. An early gift for his nameday, his father tells him smiling down gently at him. A gift from Midgard, a “Piano” they call it. When Loki presses his fingers down on the strange white and black devices covering the front of it wonderful sounds chime out of it like so many birds. He stands on his tiptoes to find the birds trapped within when his Father tells him there_ are _no birds, only strings and more wood that vibrate when he pushes down on one of the “keys”. His father tells him that he can make wonderful music with this device._

_His father pats his head “The music this device is capable of making is wonderful Loki, happiness, sadness, anger, there is no emotion this device cannot convey.”_

_He doesn’t speak of the piano to anyone, and he cherishes sneaking off to teach himself the keys and pitches that sound best together. He cherishes slowly committing his favorite melodies to memory._

_His mother comes to him one day just as he is quietly slipping out of the soundproof room he has chosen to hide his piano in. For a moment he is afraid she is going to demand the know what he has been hiding for months, that she will be angry he has kept this from her._

_Frigga bends to his eye level with a smile “Loki my love, would you like to learn some of the midgardian songs for your piano?”_

_For the next several months his mother teaches him how to read sheet music, about the musical scale, arpeggios, major keys, minor keys,  and all the nuances one can create with the sound manipulating pedals towards the bottom of his piano._

_For one as nosy as his brother, it takes Thor a surprisingly long time to find out about the piano._

_He is thirteen centuries old and he and Thor are quickly growing further and further apart. Loki is barely entering his awkward adolescent years as Thor is leaving his behind. Thor is practically a man now at nineteen centuries, more interested is wenches and quests than he is with playing games with Loki. He sees the Warriors Three and Sif more than he sees Loki, and for Loki running into Thor when he is with his new found friends often end in hurt feelings and trips to the healing rooms._

_He is in his piano room playing his favorite song, Appassionata when he hears it. A faint rustling behind the windows currently closed to keep out winters chill. He gets up to instigate who would are spy on a son of Odin when the person trips with a string of expletives, revealing himself to be none other than his oaf a brother._

_“Thor?”_

_To give his brother credit, Thor does at least have the decency to look a little ashamed._

_Thor stands up and gives him a sheepish smile  “Hello, brother.”_

_Loki is not falling for Thor’s sheepish routine any more so than usual “Were you_ spying _on me?”_

_Thor actually has the nerve to look indignant at the implication “No I-I was-“_

_Loki cuts him off with a hand “You were spying. Why were you spying, Thor?”_

_Thor begins to look angry “I was not spying, brother! I was simply-“_

_“You were spying to report back to the Jackass Three and Sif, correct?”_

_Thor draws himself up to his full height to tower over Loki, “I was not spying, I was simply trying to finally find out what you have been sneaking off and doing all these years.”_

_Loki has no patience for his brothers wounded puppy act any longer “well no you know. Go ahead and laugh.”_

_Thor steps closer and for a moment Loki is fearful Thor is going to strike him, but when he reaches out to grasp the back of Loki’s neck his hold is firm but gentle._

_“I would never jest about something you so obviously enjoy, brother” and Thor actually looks sincere when he says it._

_Loki has no idea how to react. Thor isn’t teasing him, he isn’t telling him it’s womanly to enjoy music, he isn’t running off to tell his friends. Thor actually looks_ hurt; _he actually looks hurt that Loki has kept this from him. Thor may be an obnoxious brute at times but right now sheepishly shifting from foot to foot scratching the back of his neck he just looks like Loki’s older brother; like Loki’s older brother who is trying desperately trying to mend this chasm between them without truly knowing how; without even knowing whether or not Loki wants to fix whatever is breaking between them._

_Loki makes up his mind “would you like me to play you something?”_

_Thor nods earnestly and Loki plays for him for hours until their mother fetches them for supper. The next day Thor says nothing when Sif questions where he and Loki disappeared to for hours last afternoon but he and Loki share a secret smile when her back is turned, and Thor coming to listen to him play every afternoon becomes a ritual between them for years to come._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: There will be rape of an underage character in this chapter. It isn't explicit or anything, but if that sort of thing is triggering for you you should probably skip the flashbacks (which are in italics)

_When he stops falling he falls to_ Midgard _of all places._ Can’t even take your own life correctly, _the bitter voice in his head whispers viciously_ ,even in death you fail _. Within hours of his landing the town he falls to is swarming with the same humans that Thor encountered; Humans dressed in black suits in sleek black vehicles. They track him down within hours of his finding a stupid human girl to brainwash into letting him into her dwelling to wait out the search. Instead of a mousy slip of a girl and a bawdy girl with glasses as Thor described he is accosted by the most strangely dressed ragtag group of  mortals he has ever encountered( although the last time he interacted with mortals was millennia ago before they had even discovered automobiles, let alone the sleek weapons they all carry) . The man in a gaudy red and gold suit of armor is the first to speak, sliding his visor back to peer lecherously at Loki._

 _He speaks with a leer evident in his voice “When Coulson told us an alien had landed I didn’t think it’d look like_ you _, reindeer games”_

_~*~_

He’s awoken in the morning by AC/DC blasting at full volume and Tony singing along at the top of his lungs in their bathroom.

“Jarvis, lower volume please” Loki yawns out stretching languidly and reaching for his book on the bedside table.

“Right away, sir” the disembodied voice in the ceiling never fails to unnerve him, no matter how long he’s been hearing it.

“ _Never trust anything that can talk without a tongue, Loki”_ his fath-Odin used to say to him.

His reverie is broken buy Tony flopping down on the bed and snatching the book from his hands to lean in for a kiss.

“Why’d you turn the music down, Rudolph?”

Loki fixes him with a glare “I have told you, Anthony, they are _goat_ horns.”

“Ooohh Anthony huh? I’m on thin ice this early? No pun intended.”

Loki’s glare deepens “Anthony.”

“Get it, because you’re a frost giant and you’re thin and I was on you last night? Well, in you would be the correct –“

Loki shuts him up with kiss and slides off their bed to take shower and locks the bathroom so Tony doesn’t get any ideas.

~*~

The best thing about Midgard is that there is always a distraction. Whether it is a movie, a book, a play, the Villain of the Week or sex with Tony, he can always find something to occupy his time.

Today is not one of those days. Today, he has watched all of the movies in the DVD collection, has read every book in their library, New York’s varied villains have been extremely quiet (never a good sign) and Tony is off on some business meeting in China. He could go bother Clint, or attempt to embarrass Steve Rogers with his lewd stories, but he’s just been so tired lately; Drained in a way he hasn’t felt since he landed three years ago.

In the end, he chooses to go back to bed and hope this mood he’s in clears up before Tony comes back.

~*~

_He is fifteen millennia old, and the gap between himself and Thor has widened despite all his bumbling idiot of a brothers attempts to draw him back in to the fold.  He has no interest in the things Thor does, no matter how much it pains him to admit. He has no interest in chasing loose wenches, seeing how much he can drink in a certain amount of time, and he certainly has no interest in sparring with Thor’s stupid friends. Forgive him if swinging a sword at everything that disagrees with him seems barbaric, even by asgardian standards._

_He turns avoiding Sif and the Warriors Three into a game. He sets rules. No use of magic is allowed, and if he is caught he must go along with whatever harebrained scheme for glory and riches they have come up with that week. Needless to say, he gets very good at this game very quickly, and with the exception of Thor and Fandral, everyone is happy with it._

_Fandral’s interest in him lately has been a mystery to him. He never seemed particularly interested in Loki before, not when he was a child and certainly not when he was a gangly adolescent still growing into his long limbs. Suddenly however, whenever he looks up in the Dining hall Fandral’s eyes are always on him. Suddenly, Fandral always finds an excuse to be where he knows Loki will be. He begins to make a game of avoiding Fandral, simply to see if it is simply Fandral’s curiosity about Loki boiling over, or if he legitimately has thing she wants to say to Loki. Anything Fandral has to say to Loki, he’s sure will be stupid and vapid, just like Fandral the rest of the time._

_Later it will occur to Loki that any man who could take down a Fire Giant singlehandedly ought not to have been underestimated._

_Later it will occur to him that going anywhere alone with Sif and a man of Fandral’s reputation had been a bad idea. In the end it happens because he is naïve enough to believe that Fandral and Sif have taken a genuine interest in getting to know him._

_Sif comes to him to offer him a dwarf made bracelet and offers to take a walk with him in the forest to scavenge for toadstool mushrooms. Fandral joins them a short while later, which should have set of alarm bells in his head, but he has been feeling oddly calm and pleasant for no discernible reason. He will take this new found benevolent attitude that has come over him because his near constant feelings of unease, sadness, and exhaustion are things he will gladly shake when he can._

_In the end it is his fault. He should have seen how hungrily Fandral eyed him, how jealously Sif has been eyeing him when he spends time with Thor as of late. He told no one going where he was going when he left, thinking Sif and Fandral will protect him on the off chance a creature attacks. Besides, he has his magic._

_The bracelet suppresses his magi c, and he has ever been more agile then strong. The bracelet suppresses his magic, and Sif has ever been string for a woman. The bracelet suppresses his magic and Sif kneels on his shoulders and hold his arms at his sides as he twist and screams._

_The bracelet suppresses his magic and Fandral removes his pants and breeches. The bracelet suppresses his magic when he goes limp and accepts what is happening. The bracelet suppresses his magic and Fandral gives one final grunt and falls across his back, blanketing him._

_The bracelet suppresses his magic and he lies face down in the dirt and cries._

_He knows he can tell no one. Who would believe him? He is Loki Lie-Smith, Loki Silvertongue, and Sif and Fandral are among Asgards most respected warriors. What would it accomplish anyway, just as Fandral said, he is nothing, just a pretty face and a hole to fuck. It was his fault anyway, wasn’t that what Sif had said?_

_Loki is many things, but a fool has never been one of them. He knows well what excuses the Aesir make for rape. He must have flirted; he shouldn’t have dressed so casually and provocatively; he is lying to get Fandral into trouble._

_No, Loki knows he cannot tell anyone._

_He pushes himself up out of the dirt, pulls his breeches and pants back up, and limps home._

_A week later, he cuts Sif’s hair off. Every last strand._

_~*~_

“Loki? Loki!” He awakes to Steve shaking him and Clint and Bruce peering at him worriedly from over in a corner.

Loki finds he is sticky with sweat and his throat feels dry but he manages to croak out “What?”

“You were screaming. “ Steve’s face is a picture of concern.  _Sentiment._ The voice in Loki’s head whispers maliciously.

Bruce inches towards the door “I’ll go make some tea, shall I?”

Clint and Steve are both eyeing him with equally scrutinizing looks. Loki hates it. He excuses himself under the guise of taking a shower and allows himself a good hour long  cry before wandering back into the bedroom to find Tony sitting on their bed taking his shoes off.

Tony’s smile is warm and gentle and it reaches his eyes. A smile just for Loki.

“Hey there, sugar tits.”

Loki doesn’t have the energy to deal with Tony’s love right now. He can’t. How can he face Tony when Tony has done so much for him and loves him so much and Loki is a disgusting, useless, filthy slut. There is something wrong with him. There always has been. Why else would he be dreaming of Fandral? Why else would he still occasionally flash back to that day when Tony touches him a certain way, or says certain things? He’s tried so hard to forget it. Tried so hard not to remember all the times Fandral cornered him for years after that; tried not dwell on his own repeated failings.

He gets into the bed, pulls the covers up over him and curls up facing away from Tony in his universal sign for not wanting to talk. Tony however, has never gotten the memo and much like Loki, Tony does what he wants.

He runs his fingers through Loki’s hair gently.

“What’s going on, Loki? Steve said you were screaming in your sleep earlier.”

Loki pretends to be asleep but Tony is talkative on a good day, he’s a downright motor mouth when he’s worried or stressed.  He takes off his suit jacket, loosens his tie and lies down to curl himself around Loki’s form under the covers.  They’re all settled in to at least have a good nap when Jarvis alerts Tony there is an unidentified person of the roof of Avengers Tower.

When Tony comes back into their room he is white faced and quiet, and Loki is immediately put on edge.  Before Loki can ask what the mater is Tony speaks, and what comes out of his mouth is the last thing Loki wants to hear at the moment.

“Your brother is here.”

Loki sits bolt upright in the bed just as a hulking figure appears behind Tony.

Thor speaks and it is simultaneously like having the air sucked out of him and having too much air all at once.

“Hello, brother.”


	3. Interlude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I caved to peer pressure and created a tumblr! You can follow me for updates on the story/ ficlets on request cultoflen.tumblr.com

_The thing about Thor is that he means well. He doesn’t mean to be unkind to Loki, and somewhere deep down Loki knows that, but it’s just so easy to be angry. It’s so much easier to rage and storm and plot and execute revenge schemes than it is to merely tell Thor how he hurts Loki’s feeling sometimes. Thor has ever lacked tact. This is one such time._

_They are sitting on Thor’s bed eating pilfered honey cakes as Loki attempts to read a manuscript he recently discovered about shifting into animals when Thor spills mead on it. Loki jumps up and attempts to sop up the pages with his tunic but it is no use. The aged pages are thoroughly ruined._

_Loki rounds on Thor with fire in his eyes “Thor you bumbling oaf!”_

_Thor has the nerve to look upset “I am sorry Loki I-“_

_“You impossible, irresponsible, dense, waste of space!”_

_Thor’s look turns beseeching “Loki please I-“_

_All the hurt that has been building up is building up inside of Loki is coming out  now, and  it feels so_ good _to finally unload all that he has been carrying around on Thor._

_“Do you ever think, you jackass? Do you have any brains at all in your thick skull?”_

_Perhaps Thor thinks hanging his head and staying silent will soften Loki, it doesn’t and Loki continues to heap abuse on him._

_“It isn’t enough for you to humiliate me in court with your idiot friends is it? You have to ruin my life within my own chambers!”_

_Loki is pacing back and forth when Thor speaks._

_“Do not bring my friends into this, Loki they have done nothing-“_

_Loki whirls around a slaps him across the face before he is even aware of what he is doing. Loki has never struck Thor, never with the real intent to hurt and the shock on his brothers’ face at being hit is evident. Loki is making his way to the door intent on cooling his head off in the gardens for a bit when Thor’s hand lashes put and grabs his wrist. Loki lets out a yelp, and it’s that moment, that tiny slip of weakness that Loki will mark as the be end to the last remnants of brotherhood he and Thor have so desperately clung to these last few years._

_Thor frowns and pulls the sleeves of Loki’s tunic up to reveal a myriad of bruises ranging from as far back as two weeks ago to as recent as hours before. Thor’s face is stormy._

_“Who has done this to you?”_

_He looks so earnest. Loki is struck with the immediate urge to lie. To tell Thor that he sparred with Sif earlier, that he and Bragi were roughhousing, that Balder got the jump on him coming out of the library, but he’s just so_ tired _of lying_. _He’s so tired of waking up everyday and going through the motions with his parents, at court with Thor and Balder. He’s so tired of struggling to even pull together the energy to get out of bed in the morning, of having to bargain with himself just to leave his chambers and not sleep the day away as he longs to. He’s tired of no one noticing that he’s upset, that he has been for years. Though perhaps what he is most exhausted with is covering for Fandral, tired of Thor’s constant pressure to hang out with his rapist day in and day out as though Fandral does not already have enough power over him._

_“Why don’t you ask your Fandral where I got these?” Loki’s voice has gone deadly quiet._

_“Why don’t you go ask Fandral what he uses to gag me with as he rapes me, hm? Why don’t you go ask Sif the real reason I cut her hair?”_

_Thor’s mouth drops open. Loki shoves him towards the door._

_“Do it, Thor! Ask them! Do it! DO IT!” Loki doesn’t realize he is crying until Thor’s hand reaches out to wipe his cheeks._

_“This is enough Loki.  I know you are upset, but I will not stand by and have you slander Fandral  and my betrothed that way.”_

_Loki lets out a hysterical giggle. “You think I would make this up? You think I would lie about Fandral being a disgusting swine, you think I would lie about Sif being a jealous slut, you bumbling oa-“_

_The backhand Thor delivers to his face sends him sprawling to the floor. His ears are still ringing and he laughs wildly as Thor kneels down to grab him by the shoulders and shakes him._

_“This is enough, Loki. I will hear no more of this.”_

_Loki conjures a knife and slashes him across the face. Thor stumbles back with a howl of pain and Loki takes it as his chance to run, however Thor is not an honored warrior for nothing. Thor’s hand shoots out and grabs Loki by the ankle effectively tripping him and dragging him back towards him no matter how his nails scrabble for purchase, when they break his hands bleed and make his fingers slick on the marble of his floor._

_The feeling of being trapped under Thor; the feeling of being caged in his brothers arms with nowhere to run is too much like Fandral, and Loki has had enough._

_He transports himself out of his chambers in his panic, and stares at the door for a few seconds dazedly before turning on his heels and running as far into the forest surrounding to palace as he can._

_He is gone for three months._

_When he returns, his parents are waiting for him in his chambers with Thor. His mother asks him of what he said was true with tears in her eyes, and he has never seen his father look so angry in his life. It isn’t the first time in his life he feels worthless. If only he hadn’t let Thor get the best of him, they wouldn’t be looking at him with such barely disguised shame. Not for the first time, he decides to spare his family the shame of a spectacle. He knows his chances. He knows if he were to lodge a formal complaint all that Fandral would get would be a reprimand, and Loki would forever carry the shame of being a “deviant” his whole life. He knows things everyone will say. Knows the excuses the Aesir make for rape: Loki must have flirted, Loki must have behaved inappropriately, Loki_ must _have been asking for it he_ must _have wanted it, if not surely he would have fought harder to deter Fandral.  It makes him want to scream ad cry and rage at the_ injustice _of it all. He steels himself, looks his father in the eye, and tells them all he has lied. Ironically his “lying” about Fandral will surely carry a steep punishment._

_Two weeks after he comes back, in full view of the entire Asgardian court, Loki has his lips sewn shut._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a short chapter to hold you guys over because I got stuck with writing Thor in the next chapter and it's probably going to take me a few days to flesh out that chapter, but this section didn't really fit in the next chapter.   
> I also am in the market for a beta because even though I read over my chapters over and over again, there are inevitably going to be things that slip by me, so if you're interested or you know someone who might be interested drop me a line at cultoflen.tumblr.com


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